Be the Story_Entertaining Suicide

Suicide prevention is having a bed to sleep in and food in your belly. For the veteran, that’s equivalent to the cold, hard ground, and an equally cold cup of coffee. Which is baffling, since the veteran is the most resourceful human being on planet earth. So, why do veterans commit suicide at twice the rate of non-veterans? How is that veterans entertain suicide and then act on it?

And why the hell does suicide need entertaining? Doesn’t it already have a captive audience already? The price of admission is much too steep although I have myself considered the expenditure depending on who was sending out the invites.

Up until July I was living in and dying in Arizona. As my friend says, “Get busy living or get busy dying.” His words are spot on for many veterans stuck in that space between service to the country and service to themselves. It is a thinking all our own. You never hear a dog catcher talk about expanding into catching cats for the better good of the community.

"Veterans have always had a penchant for service to their community.

Even the politicos seem to at least start out that way."

 It's only after years of being idolized from adoring non-vets that they realize there is a lot of money in running for office and other veterans are soon taking a backseat to the media and donors who don’t have the same mindset as the run-of-the-mill veteran. This is especially true when it comes to justice-involved veterans who are already criminals in the public’s eye. These are the veterans who will often ‘entertain’ suicide, and some will purchase the ticket for admission.

During my visit to the Suicide Sideshow of Entertainment, I simply woke up and decided that was the day. I know now that while I was seriously intent on committing suicide, I was also seriously hoping someone would come and take my ticket away. I was literally sitting with the one zip-tie around my neck and looking for the other when I could hear Julie’s voice downstairs. 

"I wanted to cry I was so fucking happy she was there.

As an attorney, she made a compelling argument: was I ready to commit suicide? 

The short answer: no."

I didn’t have any paperwork about last wishes, I hadn’t taken into consideration what to do about Molly. I just wasn’t prepared at all to die, much less for committing suicide. I still had money in my bank accounts. No one had my passwords. I don’t even have all my passwords. How the hell was I going to commit suicide if I wasn’t prepared for suicide?

That was last December and as can happen, the incident drove a wedge between my friend and I and a bond broken beyond repair. It is my only hope that if the circumstances were to arise with another veteran, that Jules will show up for them also. I’m used to it, going through it with one of my friends just a few months prior. That friend is doing well. As for the PTSD moment, my buddies know they can reach out anytime and I will take it all in and just as quickly dispense with any abuse waged at me. That’s what veterans do. Well, at least those who aren’t running for political office.

I can't say what might have happened if Julie hadn't come up those stairs. I can say what did happen. I'm alive to write about it. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't believe that I would have committed suicide that day. But, then there are about 6,000 friends and families who didn't believe the veteran in their life would commit suicide either.